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I am thinking a lot about pretty.

All my life, I have aspired to be seen as acceptable in your eyes.

“Don’t you look pretty?” You would say and I would think to myself, I passed. I have successfully maintained the correct weight, applied the right combination of make-up, shaped my hair and chose clothing that has qualified me to be loveable.

Beautiful, pretty, hot, gorgeous… This label has been the carrot that I have perpetually chased.

Love has been a race.

Fasting, restricting, injecting, dying, plucking, tinting, shadowing, highlighting, blow drying, straightening, curling, squatting, lifting, painting, applying.

The older I get the faster I must go.

Sitting in a chair for precious hours. Hours that could be spent writing, growing, creating, loving.

All so I can qualify as a 47 years old “beauty.”

A mother someone would like to fuck.

I have given away my time.
I have given away my money.
I have given away my ability to source worth from the core of WHO I AM.

For years I have believed myself to be an empty vessel only to be filled by the approval of those I love the most IF, and only if, I successfully live up to THE fantasy.

I have given myself over to standards that were never mine. Standards shaped by a culture that wants to profit from my disconnection with the core of myself. Standards that require me to run ever faster and work ever harder the older and wiser I become.

How ironic.

You tricked me into thinking I had to run.

But you can have your carrot.

I am not yours.

This is my body.

My hair.

My face.

I gave it to you.

But I am taking it back.

It is all for me.

If you like it, fine.

If you don’t, I guess we will see if the love was really ever love. Or if it was only ever a fantasy.

I am no longer your princess, your beauty queen, your girl next door.

I don’t care if you think I’m pretty or beautiful, hot or gorgeous.

I am mine to do with as I please. To embellish exactly how and if I desire to do so.

The love was always mine. I just didn’t understand that.

I will see myself through my own eyes now.

I am not a fantasy. I am flesh and bones and pure potential.

I know what is true.

I am beautiful at my core.

One Bad Thing…

One Bad Thing…

“When you’re living for the approval of strangers, and that is where you derive all of your joy and fulfillment, one bad thing can cause everything to crumble” – Taylor Swift I just watched Miss Americana last night on Netflix. If you haven’t seen it, WOW.... read more
Insert me there

Insert me there

If you were ever told… Not to ask for so much. That you were a bad girl. Too sensitive. Too big for your britches. That you were a mistake. If you had no one to talk to about your fears and your losses. If you were made to feel ashamed for feeling big things. If you... read more

The Great Rejection Hoax

One Saturday I was outside with my kids when I noticed a neighbor who just moved in running by with his little boy to the house across the street. The little boy who lived there came out to greet them and they all bounded off together. “Wow…” I thought, “those guys... read more

The Painfully Obvious Secret to Everything

The other day I discovered a world behind a world. Did you know there is something called Instagram Stories? It lives just behind the profile pic. Turns out folks are hosting live events, running cute little surveys, posting giveaways and other content that doesn’t... read more