I haven’t written in weeks.
Honestly I haven’t because I’m not feeling helpful or inspiring. 2020 and early 2021 have humbled me. If the past thirteen odd months have shown me anything, these months have shown me that I don’t know shit.
It’s unsettling to not know shit.
Knowing things feels stable, predictable, and comforting.
So instead of writing to my community….
My desire to know shit has led me down strange bunny holes, sometimes empowering often unsettling.
All in the hopes that if I could know more, I would feel safe. I would feel better about being an American.
Sometimes it’s helpful to know things. And sometimes it’s a desperate attempt to find a solid place to land in an extremely topsy turvy time.
Being on a side means certainty, predictability, community but it also means not being on the other side.
And to maintain the sense of comfort and control that comes from being on a side, it means turning away from the other, finding the places to blame or shame or reject.
And I’m not about that.
I know enough about the shadow to understand that anytime we stand secure in our own righteousness enough to find fault with the other, we are really just hiding what we reject about ourselves.
I would rather look for some common places to stand.
And that means I have to live in and get more comfortable with the in between spaces where I have the freedom to be myself and see from all angles and not know shit.
I like the humanity of it. I like the vulnerability that is there, the willingness to be wrong and the commitment to be open.
Sometimes though I am alarmed all over again at the vastness of just how much shit I don’t know… and I feel so lost.
So I turn to Spirit.
I study A Course in Miracles.
And I find joy in the moment.
I do art.
Or I get lost in beauty and the senses.
I paint my nails (and match the color to my shirt).
Buy some flowers.
Put on some perfume.
Or I take a 1:1 gummy.
For the time being I’m called to write about real shit, personal struggles, the trivial and maybe even the sacred.
I want to be a human on the page without the self-imposed pressure to be helpful or inspirational.
So that’s what I’ll do.
Here are some things I’m thinking of writing about:
Home school fuck ups,
My daughter’s therapist,
Reading with my ten-year-old,
Being too direct,
Thoughts about sex,
Ways I get triggered (nosy neighbors, things my husband says, when my kids are slobs, mean fucking people),
Attachment to outcome,
My struggle with impulse control,
I don’t have jack shit I want to teach about any of these. I just want to write my experience. One human to another. And maybe vent.
You have been warned. (And there will be cursing.)
So what do you think?
What do you want to hear about first?
“I love you.” I’m trying to get my kids to tell themselves “I love you,” every time they see themselves in the mirror. They are twelve and ten now, so they roll their eyes at me. In the entry there is a giant mirror. Joy does cartwheels in front of it. Now she makes a... read more
I used to want to be so many things. I called it ambition. At first I was apologetic for this ambition. Then I learned to embrace it. To be proud of it. I wanted to be a millionaire, to speak on big stages, to be fluent in five languages, to lose ten pounds, to solve... read more
“The world is messy; there are ambiguities. People who do really good stuff have flaws. People who you are fighting may love their kids, and share certain things with you.” – Barack Obama Lots of things got cancelled this year, parties, sports, performances… and... read more
Yesterday I spent most of the morning tinkering around the house. I did a little laundry, I fixed a nutcracker, ordered a shower cap from amazon. You know, trivial things. I can’t even remember what the hell I did for two hours… You know what else? I loved it. I made... read more
In Finding Your Own North Star, Martha Beck shares a concept called “the urge to merge.” It’s an “intense, almost chemical reaction that comes out of nowhere that makes some person, place or thing so attractive to you that for a while you can’t think about much else.”... read more
The other day I made tentative plans with a friend to do something over the weekend. The day before, I realized I had to do some “momming” (this is my new word for running around like a decapitated chicken trying to get kids places on time), so I texted her to cancel.... read more
Yesterday I had my first ever city league tennis match. I won. Barely. By a 10-point tie-breaker (12-10). Warming up with my opponent, I was pretty sure I had her. I started strong. In fact, I was starting to feel preemptively sorry for her. Somehow managing to... read more
We adults take life too seriously. And it shuts down our ability to access our genius. If you are even a little bit familiar with greek mythology, you have most likely heard of muses. They are the goddesses of inspiration of literature, science and the arts.... read more
A few years ago I came up with this list of 21 things (and counting) that over the years have helped me to get into a high vibe, happy place. Because no matter how chaotic it feels, you still deserve to be happy. And you being a stressed out, angry basket case... read more
Over the past several weeks I have had several emails from folks compelled to write to me about my use of “profanity.” So I thought I would respond to one of them. Amy, It is disappointing and downright disrespectful for me to receive email laced with profanity. Do... read more
That’s me living the life at Glacier National Park. I’m back and things are rocking and rolling — I wanted to give you a few updates. The other day I got my results back from the Strenghsfinder. If you’re not familiar, it’s an online... read more
When I got married years ago, I was under the impression that it was up to my husband to meet my needs and anticipate what I wanted (and give it to me). Princess anyone? I didn’t realize it at the time, but I saw myself as a piece of property. Like a nice watch or a... read more
I remember the first ever time I walked into a Burn Cycle class. My friend invited me to go with her… “First time?” She asked. “Yes…” I replied. That’s when she raised her eyebrows and gave me an ominous look that said sarcastically, “good luck.” Just getting on the... read more
This morning my daughter went MIA before school. We only had 10 minutes left before it was time to leave for the bus and she still hadn’t finished her homework, eaten any breakfast, brushed her teeth or put on her shoes. I found her outside barefoot with some neighbor... read more
I was born into a chaotic household. My parents were addicts. My three older sisters were teenagers, barely supervised, who were expected to take care of me and eventually my little brother who was born a few years later. My mom called herself a functional drunk. She... read more
I have a subscription to a program called Master Writer. It helps me find synonyms, phrases, verbs… basically different words I could use when I’m stuck in my writing. Looking up a word in Master Writer requires me to load the app in my browser. Inevitably... read more
Why did you do it? This is number one question I get when people see me for the first time since I shaved my head. There are many layers to this answer. One is practical. Sitting in a chair for two hours is just TOO MUCH for me. Plus it’s expensive, and probably... read more
So… I shaved my head last week. Well, I didn’t. My hair stylist, Morgan, did. Since then, I’ve heard the phrase, “pull it off,” many times. Things like… “You have a good face, you can pull it off. ” Or… “I’ve thought about shaving my head, but I could never pull it... read more
I am thinking a lot about pretty. All my life, I have aspired to be seen as acceptable in your eyes. “Don’t you look pretty?” You would say and I would think to myself, I passed. I have successfully maintained the correct weight, applied the right combination of... read more
I remember when Black Lives Matter became a common meme. I didn’t get it. I was the first to think, “Wait. All lives matter.” I felt defensive, like someone was telling me that black lives matter more than other lives. What I came to realize was that of course all... read more
The other day my nine year old informed me she was going to be a baker when she grows up. “For my first project, I’m going to make cake pops,” she added. This statement filled me with hope and dread. Hope because I could see big things in her future. A... read more